There is probably a meme of a bingo card out there that will include being told, as an ADHDer, that you’re ‘overthinking’ things when trying to make a decision.

I used to take that on – you’re right. I am.

Then I would say to myself, you have to figure out a way not to overthink it.

D’uh

My previous psychologist, one who didn’t pick up on the ADHD, who said I had anxiety (another story for another time), would say it too.

One day in response I asked her: How though? I want to stop overthinking it, I don’t WANT to overthink it. But I don’t know how to stop – tell me how to stop overthinking!

She then furnished me with what she saw as the perfect solution:

Just don’t think about it.

I didn’t keep seeing her for much longer.

Another throwaway remark that sits with us

Someone who truly means well can say it, a throwaway remark that they don’t realise runs into a deep wound.

The thing is, while thinking this way can be annoying even to us, when deciding what restaurant we are going to eat at, or whether that social interaction was as bad as we think it was¹, the way our brain processes information can be absolute magic when thinking about systems, risk, creative solutions and connections.

At work? Tackling advocacy problems? Thinking deeply about what is really keeping your child awake at night? Planning holidays? A breeze if given the space and time.

But I often only was told I was overthinking when it was about things I found difficult as an ADHDer, but were seen as trivial and simple to others. Social events I didn’t want to go to, crafting a written response to someone I could tell would be annoyed, a misunderstanding in a friendship.

This agonising meant that I was not recognising the times I came up with simple, lateral solutions in arenas that most people found tricky to encounter. Sometimes these solutions would be so obvious to me, I wouldn’t say anything at all – surely they can see it, I would think.

When I finally said something the room would go silent – with what I thought was hostility, but was more often than not, that d’uh moment. That or I would be told I was overthinking it.

I started buying into the story that because my process was circuitous and lateral, was different to others, that it ought to be stifled. It continues to be a long journey to realise that what I was stifling was something quite special.

When someone says you are overthinking, it often it means you are noticing something others cannot.
Pattern recognition, the ability to take in a huge amount of sensory input, and your ability to absorb information when you’re in the right mode, means that you’re often processing a larger amount of information than others. The way you process information can be different to many other people – which means you are going to pick up on things that others have not. The other person can interpret this as you having processed the situation in the same way as them, and then gone much much further down the track – they interpret this as you ‘overthinking’ it – where you are just coming at it from a unique angle.

You have deftly leaped over the boring bits they are still considering to arrive at the solution or perspective.

In reality, what we often have to practice is patience, giving time to others to catch up to our fast brains.

You may actually be verbally processing
By talking about it, you’re coming to a solution. If you’re someone who is not sure what they are going to say, what opinion they are going to have, before it comes out of their mouth, congratulations, you’re a verbal processor!

For us verbal processors, talking (and writing) is doing (and thinking) – we’re sweeping out the cluttered closet of our brains, and trying to put our thoughts in order. What can seem like an avalanche of talking to another person, is in our heads the quiet ordering of thoughts – getting them in a row.

This also means that others might be overwhelmed by how fast your brain is going – they are having trouble keeping up. You may also be making connections that make sense to you, but not to the other person.

Er, so what do I do?

This will be annoying for you, but really, it depends.

Values and context

Where are you when you are being told you’re overthinking? Have you accidentally had an ADHD at a meeting with others participating? Are you on a date and the other person is telling you their intimate dating history and you’re talking about a dog you once had? Are you having some big emotions and a close friend or partner is trying to regulate you?

Do they know your neurotype and celebrate it?

Is this a one-off or are they a repeat offender? Are they devaluing your experience and knowledge or is it that they can’t keep up?

How do you want to respond?

What do you usually do? Do you defend yourself? ‘Over’-explain? Do you doubt yourself, despite the amount of times you have been right, or been able to make a decision that feels right for you, whatever path you beat to get there?

Or do you say to yourself:

This person is not meeting me where I am.

How much energy am I willing to expend explaining myself to this person?

How important is it for me to practically move forward with their affirmation?

How can I move forward, while being respectful and kind to this person, but not letting their lack of understanding get in my way?

We do need to take responsibility for the affect we have on others, but we also have a responsibility to not shrink or mould ourselves, to devalue the way our brains work, when we have so much to give.

1 – It never was that bad, and if the person made it that bad, then that says more about them than you. Please repeat to self until actually internalised.