The word ‘should’ is neurodivergent kryptonite. By unpacking the shoulds each ADHDer carries around with them, it helps you to understand which ones are based on abstract ideas of how a person should be, and which ones are important to you, and can be activated.

Recognising all of the redundant shoulds is critical to getting to know your own brain.

And I still say it myself – but every time I hear myself saying that word, I get curious – who said I should? Where did that should come from?

The shoulds have been a big pain the bum with having a baby – I’ll write about that in more detail in a companion parenting post.

Averages – the origin of should

Averages and categories, prior to my diagnosis, were a form of self-entrapment – they were an easy way to hone in on my challenges, and to ignore my strengths.

I should be the type of person who is on time to everything.

The average person can do this task easily. I find it really bloody hard. I should try harder.

This thing I’m really good at is easy, but I shouldn’t tell anyone. They will call me a show off. I should keep my mouth shut and my skills to myself.

I should only be good at things, and care about things that others value. No one but me cares about this interest of mine, so it is not valuable.

I have too many hobbies, I should just stick to one.

The only thing I have ever found myself extremely average at is having ADHD. Which is why I am still pretty pissy that it was missed for 38 years.

Post diagnosis and medication, racing towards the mirage of averages

Many people come to see me about a year after they have received their diagnosis, and started medication.

Medication can be extremely helpful, but doesn’t resolve everything about someone’s ADHD symptoms. After a period of time, there can still be things in a client’s life that are difficult, and they can start to wonder, Am I just a bit shit?

Short answer: No. Long answer: Also no.

But once some clarity comes from the diagnosis and meds, and some space, there can be a tendency for people to start doing even more than they did previously in an attempt to ‘catch up’.

A narrative can emerge: I have found out why I am not good at xyz, so now I have the tools to be the kind of person who is good at xyz.

To do lists become anthologies.

Maybe finally I can do all of the things I should be doing.

It’s a race towards the average – a race towards the should.

But when you step back, and look at it, the should blurs at the edges. When you try to pin it down, you find what you should be doing doesn’t have definition, a shape.

And because of this formlessness, the should overwhelms – you will never know when the should is complete, or when you are allowed to walk away.

It can become a new stick to beat yourself with.

I should be better.

I should optimise.

I should improve.

Which is when we can move on to tracking ourselves in an attempt to understand how far we have to go until we reach the average.

Look for patterns, negotiate averages, drowning in tracking

If you don’t know where you’re up to in achieving a task, it’s very easy to be sucked into recording everything in an app – which can help if used as a light touch, but at other times, can suck you into the ADHDer’s habit of trying to make what I call a ‘map of everything’.

It’s when the self-reporting, data collection, to-dos and tasks, categorising and tracking becomes the only thing we are doing.

There are heaps of apps and planners that sell this to ADHDers as a solution to all your shoulds.

But soon you find you have to figure out how to make a habit out of recording your habits.

How many times have you said to yourself “I need to set a reminder to write my list/track my habit”?

How many times have we been told “Just make a note of it when it happens.”

We start snoozing the reminder.

The shame and embarrassment returns – an old, crappy friend.

Our executive dysfunction and working memory issues mean we don’t make a note every time we think we should.

Our anxiety rises – we should be able to keep track.

How can we do the task if we are unable to track the task?

How are we going to stay on top of our map of everything?

Data can help to recognise patters, or as I like to think about it, sequences, but only to a point.

Like an over-reliance on AI, by fixating on the collection of data, we stop connecting with what we are feeling and noticing when the overwhelm appears.

This can lead to the idea that we should just get on top of the thing that is overwhelming us – which becomes overwhelming in itself.

Define the edges, define what you care about

The shoulds are often the things you are not good at, or don’t come naturally. But there is plenty that you are good at.

The shoulds, when you unpack it, are often things you don’t find terribly important – but others do.

Sometimes the first step to tackling the should, if it really does need to be tackled, is to understand why it might be important to others (especially if you care about them), or how it might align to your values.

Some other things you might like to ask yourself to get started:

• Who is asking you to do the should? Do you value that person? Does your inner voice agree with that person?
• If the should is an essential task, what is a way that I can do it that can navigate around the negative self-talk and shame?

But most importantly:

• What does done look like for this should task?
• Am I okay with doing the should to the point where it is ‘good enough’?
• When I’m done, how can I recognise and celebrate that it’s done without finding new things to be hard on myself about?

Understanding the task as a sequence

Understanding the task as a sequence instead of a pattern can help too – is it a step in a broader sequence you’re on top of? What is it about that particular step that is giving you the irates?

Seeing a thing as a sequence rather than a habit can also help if you’re not very good at tracking time – instead of ‘we need to start eating dinner at 7pm or else everything will go to shit’, think about:

‘What is making it hard to start the “dinner making” sequence? Is there a step in the sequence, for example, checking for ingredients, that can be broken off from the cooking sequence and done earlier in the day?”

‘Can I add “Doing the dishes” to my dinner making sequence, to see it as all of the same cycle?’

‘Even if we end up eating dinner at 8pm, do I have an idea of what is coming before this and afterwards, so I don’t lose track of where I am up to?’

Hopefully you get the idea. This can help give you a view of what is coming up, rather than that feeling of lurching from task to task, no end in sight.

You shouldn’t be an arsehole to yourself

Well this really is a should – Coaching is about finding ways to get to know yourself better, and to stop trying to make yourself do things by constantly browbeating yourself.

Some of the earliest steps in the Coaching journey include understanding your strengths and values, so that you can make more confident, and peaceful decisions as you move through your life.

That means being a jerk to yourself can hopefully start to take a back seat. Self-compassion is, annoyingly, incredibly powerful.

Maybe you should give that a go first?

NB- and for your interest, by my count there are 22 S* words in this article.